1. “Found out my parents aren’t who I thought they were.”
This explains your bipolar and other mental health break down issues, and why nothing you do wrong is ever your fault.
2. “My identity was stolen in middle school.”
This explains the poor SAT scores in high school, the awful college you had to attend, and horrible job you’re being made to work.
3. “I had a bad breakup.”
This explains your sub-par credit scores and deficient bank account.
4. “I’ve been traveling the Swiss Alps and backpacking across Europe.”
This explains you being missing in action due to a nine-month stint in rehab.
5. “No one really knows, but I have a twin.”
This explains your completely new hair do, name change and post breakup makeover. It wasn’t you. It was the other one who looks like you.