1. Running away from home for five days
Not for any particular reason; just to eat, sleep and shop without interruption or judgement. Out of 365 days a year, stealing five days where no one knows your whereabouts except your best friend, cell phone carrier and credit card company is just what a wife and mother needs to feel like a lady again.
2. Running off with a celebrity crush for three days
Calm down. This is not a hall pass. She’s not dishonoring her marital vows. She just wants three days of rachetness. Three days froclicking the streets of Paris, the beaches of Spain or the boutiques of Italy with Brad Pitt or Idris Elba is just what she needs to endure a lifetime of laundry, homework assignments, house cleaning and middle class romance.
3. Telling her mother-in-law to have a few seats
Not in a bad way but in a redemptive therapeutic way. Her mother-in-law needs to know that for all her years of meddling and nosiness, her loving daughter-in-law would like her to have a football stadium worth of seats.
4. Duck-taping her teen for two days
Not in a cruel CNN breaking news way but in a “can I get some silence” way. Tweens and teens never shut up and every command you give them comes back with a 12 page verbal dissertation. Duck-taping your tween gives mom time to hear silence and productively process the sass. It’s beneficial for both mother and sassy child. Plus how else is a mother supposed to enjoy a quiet weekend?
5. Run away on a shopping binge
She doesn’t do crack and she’s already binged on Netflix. She needs to go out and have at it at her favorite stores and boutiques, not in an irresponsible way but in a therapeutic way. It’s not her fault retail therapy isn’t covered by insurance. It should be.