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Good morning America, Africa, Europe and everywhere around the world where there’s free wifi. I’m doing this vlog, you know, first video blog. Okay, I’m right now not doing the vlog but writing about doing vlogs aka video blogs. So get ready to know me and my big forehead up close and personal.

Vlog is something bloggers do when they get tired of writing or have a good hair day. I believe there are some good hair days in my near future. I honestly don’t enjoy being in front of the camera. It’s truly awkward. Like there’s no one else here to talk to but myself, not even a camera person. Cameras bring out every hidden insecurity you may have. That’s why I don’t understand how normal people can do sex tape. That has to be the most awkward thing ever. Anyway, when I’m not thinking of how big my forehead is, I’m thinking of what you’re thinking of watching me vlog. By the way, I honestly don’t care what you think of me as a person, but I do care what you think of my forehead. Also I hate the word vlog…it sounds like a word used in an Eastern European sweatshop. “Make that belt before I vlog you!”

Anyway, video allows people to judge you. Someone right now is judging me. I’d like you to please stop. I see you and I’d like you to stop. Well I wanted to post vlogs to better connect. I know some of you are thinking. I didn’t know you were black. I know. Annie Apple is the whitest name ever. Sorry. Keisha Apple was taken. I wanted to thank you all for reading my blog, Survivin America.

I started this blog in 2011. I think it was 2011. The more kids you have, the less you remember. I started this blog because I am a very random person and often my kids and my husband don’t want to hear all the random things that go on in my head. How do I know? Well because they said, “We don’t want to hear all the random things that go on in your head.” So I had to do something with all the random things in my head. So I figured that’s why God and ask Gore created the Internet. People who blog have people in their lives that don’t want to hear anything they have to say. So they, me, are forced to share with strangers.

My favorite things to share are hope and humor. That’s what you need in life to avoid death row and the psych ward. My faith is my life, not in a creepy, weird, hey you’re going to hell sense but in a Jesus, I love you but I have questions and thanks for being the answer to all my questions and why didn’t you give me Kate Middleton problems.

I love God and I love people. You can’t love God and not love people, even if you don’t like them, you have to love them. People say well what are you an expert in that you have to write a damn blog. Damn y’all are so judgmental. Well I had my first kid at age 16 so I’m an expert in failed premarital sex. I’ve failed at love. I’ve made mistakes as a woman giving my heart away to someone who didn’t deserve it. I’m an expert at failure and victory.

I’ve learned a lot in my short 29 years of life. Now I just want to share my wisdom, insights and random thoughts and opinions with the world or the 19.5 people who read my blog regularly. You guys are the real MVPs. By the way, If you believe I’m 29, shame on you because you haven’t been reading my blog. You are clearly a horrible person or a bad reader.

Survivin America wasn’t meant to be a famous blog and you’re like it still isn’t. I know; so stop judging, judgers. For years I didn’t even tell friends or anyone I was blogging in my spare time. Like how do you share that without sounding completely superficial: “Hey guys, I have a blog; please pass me the Grey Poupon and tell my butler to fetch me a cold pop.” Now I have to tell people I’m vlogging. I tried to get Halle Berry or Gabby Union as possible stunt double for my vlogs but they haven’t called me back. So you’ll be stuck looking at my forehead.

Survivin America is my raw wisdom and emotions. If you look at some of my earlier posts, they’re typos. My emotions and thought process when I was writing were so raw that if I’d gone back to edit those posts, I wouldn’t have been able to share them. So I just left them there. Just the way they came out of the bowels of my soul. I’m pretty dramatic too.

But I appreciate the millions of you, okay the thousands of you who stop by daily to read something I wrote that touched your soul and your funny bone. What I don’t appreciate is that you don’t leave written comments. There’s a lady name Linda who always does. Thank you Linda! The rest of you suck! If I can take time to write five paragraphs, you can take five minutes to write five words, five sentences. Bloggers hate when readers don’t leave written comments. I have friends call me and want to talk about obe of my blog post. I’m like stop talking to me and go comment on that post you lonely bastard.

Wrapping up because you all have more important things to do like check snapchat, Twitter and IG. So thank you so much for reading and commenting on Survivin America.

When I was little, I used to travel all around the world with my mom who was and still is a missionary slash evangelist slash ruler of the universe. I often would make friends and have to leave them. Then I met my imaginary friend Penelope. She was someone I could take everywhere with me and share my heart. You guys are not strangers. You all are my Penelope.

Though Penelope left when I hit puberty, please don’t leave when I hit menopause. If this video blogging doesn’t scare you away, I’ll do more of it and share more of the life of a hungry, unfiltered writer, lovingly insane mother, struggling wife, now former college football mom, celebrity online counselor, expert randomist and lover of all things Jesus.

Thanks again. Continue to check out Survivin America where we’re making it through with humor and hope. My forehead and I thank you.